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| So this place has changed since I last typed here, and so have I. I've made some of the most beautiful friends in the world, and when I'm with them I feel alive. I sometimes feel inadequate about who I am as a person, but I'm slowly learning that life isn't all a bout being the best on your first shot. I love people. Not people as in humanity as a whole, but people as in three of my close friends that I recently realized that I'm not sure I could survive without. I love them, and I know that it doesn't really matter if they love me back or not. Platonic or romantic, I love these three people, in completely different ways. One of them is so close to me that they are a part of me. Even though I might not talk to her constantly, I know that she is there, and I rely on her more than I realize sometimes. The second one is my opposite. I fit with him in that I have to make sure he's okay. I guess you could say I try to take care of him, if you want to simplify it. He ties me down to reality, and pulls me back in when I wander too far from where I'm supposed to be. The third person is some sort of mystery to me. He's the forbidden, and his beauty comes partially from that. He's also changed me most as a person. If my life was a story, he'd be the metaphor for choice in my life. It's the age old advice to live each day as if you're dying. I want to become the freedom I see in him. Unfortunantly, I haven't seen him in almost a year. However, I still talk to him regularly, and, ironically enough, I feel like he's... haunting me? I guess that would be a word to describe it. Reminders of him surface constantly, and it feels like he's around me, even when he's not here.
I've also become more clear about who I am over the past year. I've chosen to stop running from the future that is coming and to take a course in my life that is finally giving me some direction about who I am. Nowadays, I spend less time becoming bitter and dissillusioned about life and society. Yes, it still angers me when I see injustice going on in the world, but I observe for now. I've learned that experiences in life only serve to better inform you for a bigger experience. With this comes the realization that I should not worry about the things I can not change. I must instead keep my eyes open for oppertunities that may arise, and follow them to the best of my heart and my mind's desires. The premise of this is to do what makes you happy, and to not let something get in the way of your dreams. If I want something, then I'm not going to let anything stop me. And if it is a good thing, then the obsticles will find a way of dissappearing when they need to. However, if there's something large obstructiong your path, it's either a matter of waiting for the obstruction to dissappear or finding another path. Also, think of things as they truely are: transiant. Nothing ever lasts forever, so why worry about it. Life is precious. Why spend it upset about something that you either can't change, or will be of no importance in a year or so. This thought proccess, this system of thought, is why I am usually content these days.I figure, things are going to be alright, and if they aren't then I'll work around it. But for now, why worry?
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| Dear Starshine,
Thanks for being there for me. I love being around you. I don't feel lost or lonely or empty when I'm around you. You're honestly the most beautiful person I've ever met. I love how we can talk about practically anything. I don't care if you don't feel the same about me, but I love you lots. You're the best person I've ever met. I don't know how I'm going to survive without you... You're amazing. I wonder every day how I got such a good friend as you. You'd be my best friend, if someone hadn't taken that spot a few years ago. I don't care what other people say, or how we look together, I think that if you did like me back, we'd be a good couple. But I won't bring it up if you don't. I like how you and I talk about random things and deep things and politics. I like that you don't treat me like I'm 15 and inferior. I like how you have a wide variaty of music. I like how you look in the sunlight. I like how I can be myself around you, not the downtrodden friend or the nice girl or the strange girl or the scary girl. I like how you hate crowds as much as I do. I like how you smell like cigarettes. I like how quiet you are around people. I like how you like fight club. I like you. A lot. I'm going to miss you. Don't let the world get to you, dear.
Dear Ohana
I don't need you to pick out a boyfriend for me. I don't need a guy who looks good with me. I don't care if you think I can do better. You don't see his beauty. I do. I don't care about your standard of beauty. Mine's different,. I'm different. And I can handle being alone until I find someone to fit. I honestly prefer the people that don't "fit". They often have the most interesting stories. And they are usually the most beautiful people. I don't like him because I'm despirate. I don't like him because he's all I think I can get. I also don't believe he would tell you the truth. I mean, he just met you. He's not that open. I know him well enough to say that much. I want to be my own person. I want to look in the mirror and see a person that I have made, not a body with your hair and your perfume and your akeup and your confidence. I'd rather be my own person than a clone of you. I love you dearly, but I'm my own person. Maybe the seperation will show me who I am without you guiding me at every turn.
Confession: I never want to forget you.
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